How did God call me to vocational singleness?

I recently went on the Adventures in Theology podcast with Brayden Brookshier to talk about vocational singleness, including how God called me to vocational singleness.

By the end of college I had experienced multiple long periods of singleness and studied Jesus & Paul's words about lifetime singleness for the sake of the kingdom.

While I was out to most people in my life, I also ended up dating a couple of women, uniquely falling in love with them, and almost got engaged. So despite my sexuality, I knew that Christian marriage could work for me.

But the Holy Spirit made clear to me that I wasn't supposed to go take the gift I preferred. Instead I was supposed to ask, "God, do you have a preference for whether I pursue vocational singleness or Christian marriage?"

I wasn't aware of it, but over the next three years, God led me through a process of discernment:

I dug deeper into historic theology of vocational singleness and Christian marriage. I met with my therapist and mentors to make sense of my fears around both singleness and marriage.

I read "God's Voice Within" by Mark Thibodeaux to develop my capacity for general Christian discernment.

I gained clarity about the kingdom work I was called to and increasing peace about passing on the work of raising kids to give myself fully to the work of Equip, being a therapist, and public discipleship around vocational singleness.

But there was still one thing missing: family.

By 2017 I felt called to vocational singleness, but I also knew I didn't have a magical gift of celibacy such that I didn’t need human family. So I asked the late Fr. Thomas Mckenzie, “How can I find the family in the body of Christ that I need at our church?”

Here’s how he responded:

“To be honest, I don’t think you’re going to find the kind of family you need at our church or any church in Nashville any time soon. But monasticism has been the most common way celibate people have found family.

It’s been the greatest source of evangelism in the Church, the greatest source of theology in the Church, and the greatest source of social justice in the Church. I think you should start something in Nashville, build the family you need, and stay connected to our church to teach us how to do family better. Maybe by the time you die, our church will be good enough at family that the community you started won't be necessary anymore."

About a year later, I made one-year commitments to vocational singleness and to the Nashville Family of Brothers, hoping that small steps in that direction would give me increasing confidence in my call to vocational singleness.

I can know look back and see that, unbeknownst to me, God was leading me through time-tested ingredients for wise discernment between vocational singleness and Christian marriage:

1. Grow your capacity for general Christian discernment
2. Deepen theological respect for both singleness and marriage
3. Discover what kingdom work God's calling you to do
4. Address your emotional resistance to each vocation
5. Explore how you will find family
6. Take small steps to seek confirmation (all covered by the prayer and wisdom of mentors)

That's how God called me to vocational singleness! Are you single? Are you willing to ask God whether He has a preference for you?

What's the first step you could take in your discernment?

Listen to the rest of the podcast episode at https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/adventures-in-theology/id1459583019?i=1000578042287