Dobson’s “Bringing Up Boys” intensified my gay closet pain

With Kelsey Kramer McGinnis & Marissa Franks Burt

I recently went on the In the Church Library Podcast with Kelsey Kramer McGinnis and Marissa Franks Burt to explore how Focus on the Family impacted my masculinity and same-sex attraction.

James Dobson said, “Homosexuality is an abnormal desire that reflects deep problems, but it doesn’t happen very often and it’s not likely to happen to you.”

90s Christian parenting resources like his offered destructively false messages about both masculinity and homosexuality. And it was a double whammy for boys like me.

We were sold an unbiblical, over-simplified, cultural masculinity: tough, stoic, athletic, dominant.

And then we were taught that any lack of manliness in a boy was a sign that a boy might be gay. Masculinity was the evidence of straightness. A lack of one proved the lack of the other.

As a gay kid in the closet, I picked up on this narrative pretty quickly and became obsessed with not coming off as effeminate in any way. I was hyper aware of how I walked, how I spoke, even how I held my hands. I didn’t want to out myself and get bullied.

I also came to think less of femininity, especially in men. Even when I found freedom to come out and follow Jesus with my sexuality, I had to spend years unlearning those scripts.

Plus this delayed my ability to seek help.

I didn’t tell anyone about my attractions for six years. And when I did, it was out of desperation. The fear of disappointing my family, my church, and my mentors kept me in hiding. That silence hurt my relationship with God, with myself, and with others.

But I was one of the lucky ones. I held onto my life and to my faith.

Too many gay kids who grew up in churches have taken their life or abandoned Jesus because of the pain of the closet.

The Church must do better. Dobson’s goals weren’t all wrong. He wanted kids to thrive and follow Jesus. But the strategy was tragically flawed. Oversimplified. Fear-based. And, ultimately, destructive to the very people it aimed to protect.

DM/comment “Dobson” for the link to our solution in the episode